Pisces

Remember that strange little kid in the neighborhood who orchestrated grand parties, yet only invited imaginary friends? Hands down a Pisces! Remember how you and all your “normal” friends peered and laughed hysterically out the window while watching the extravagant celebration?

Then, a few years later, while bravely bonding with you at a slumber party, your whimsical friend decided to share information about their ability to manifest lost objects from some inter-dimensional plane? Your uncontrollable laughter induced years of psychological therapy. 

Most delicate Pisceans are unable to recover from such trauma and humiliation and seek refuge by going to their “happy place.”  Becoming very cozy in this fanciful fun house, they dwell in the land of make believe for extended periods of time. Here's a thought my pitiful little guppy…next time you go shopping, add “reality” to your list.  If you're unable to locate even the smallest dose of that, try picking up a measure of “back bone.”  Don't you think it's time to shed the fins and plant your feet? Firmly planting a Pisces is like trying to unzip your own pants without hands.  It can be done but it's extremely painful to watch!

A Pisces would much rather tip toe on top a bed of clover and skip through the land of fairies than face the harsh realities of life.  Many resort to chugging ample bottles of companionship to assure that even the slightest glimpse of emotional pain remains tightly corked.  Blessed with the gift of imagination and sensitivity, their psychic antennas are always tuned in and turned on!  Tuned in to what?  We can never really be sure. 

We do know they vibrate at least an octave higher than the rest of us, which leads you to ask, “So what's your point?”  There really is no point.  If it's clarity you hunger for, with a side dish of stability and reason, maybe it’s best you pass on the fish.

Sagittarius

Take a dagger and pierce your own heart immediately upon meeting a Sadge.  You'll avoid the inevitable heartbreak they're sure to inflict when they turn and flee the moment you whisper those three little words, “commitment.” OK, one word.  A Sadge has no time for such nonsense as displays of affection.  They're searching for that perfect person and you're not it!  They spend a lifetime sampling all the goodies, opportunities and experiences presented to them just to make sure they don't miss out on that perfect ONE.  That would be a tragic day, indeed!

Seeking spiritual union by feeding their ravenous, carnal hunger and somehow, feeling a sense of entitlement, they leave a trail of innocent victims behind. On the rare occasion a Sadge should hit that bumpy road of life, you'll never hear the end of all the injustices brought upon them. Oh, really?  Should we feel sorry for you, dear Sadge? No one's buying it! May we suggest giving up just one cold tear so as to allow a brief glimmer of human recognition?

Being the eternal optimists, they make most people leery with their incessant cheerfulness and sunny dispositions.  The world's their personal merry-go-round, complete with all its frivolity and self-gratifying pleasures. 

Born salespeople, overflowing with the gift of eloquence, they could sell a fur coat to King Kong in the middle of summer, convincing him of evening frost.  Sadges never really grow up, choosing rather to spread their contagious optimism, like a nasty little virus.  This allows the delivery of burning sarcasm with a smug twinkle in their eyes.  It's amazing they still have friends. Some of their lucky, but not-so-bright recipients even express gratitude for pointing out their stupidity. You Archers really are the ultimate catch.  So, if you love a Sadge, why?  Don't ever say we didn't warn you!
Aquarius
Pisces
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Capricorn
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This Page Was Last Updated On: 5/24/2016
Funny Astrology Readings
Generously contributed by one of our members, Arizona Sunday, these readings are provided to take a look at spiritual astrology reading from a funny point of view.
"Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy: the mad daughter of a wise mother.” -Voltaire
Funny Astrology Readings
Funny Pisces Readings
Dreamy, Gullible, Psychic, Emotional, Changeable, Imaginative, Touches our world with left foot only, Addictive,
Frequents the land of La-La, Converses with  Fairies, Gnomes, and Leprechauns.
Funny Sagittarius Readings
Optimistic, Generous, Wander Luster, Idealistic, Masters of a "good time," Promises the world, delivers a twig, Aims high but usually hits the dog, Ambitious, Players who live by the motto, "Lie till you die, even when caught with pants down!"
Funny Cancer Readings
Emotional, Sensitive, Needy, Manipulative, Waxes and wanes with the moon, Tough exterior, Gooey center, Opinionated, Romantic, Counsels everyone if they like it or not, Wimps and whines, Sudden episodes of psychosis, Eternal cling-ons, Suffers from "Meet and Marry" syndrome.
Funny Aries Readings
Charmers, Bores Easily, Leaps before looking, Impatient, Has a patent pending on the game of hard-to-get, Believes in love-at-first-sight, Assertive, Puts own Self on pedestal, Rallies for the Save-a-Starfish Foundation, Natural Dynamos, Willing to tackle own Grandmother if it means winning a blue ribbon.
Funny Libra Readings
Passive Aggressive, Aesthetically pleasing, Refined, Suffers from decision making paralysis, Independent Companionships, Give me bling or shiny things, Hungers for praise and recognition but will adamantly argue this statement, Snazzy Dressers, Would rather remove own finger than express a complaint, Understands "Sin of Omission" as pure truth.
Funny Aquarius Readings
Eccentric, Retro, Stubborn, Psychedelic, Talks to Trees,
Humanitarian, Vintage, Loves People, Hates People, Inventive, Independent, Mentally lives on the planet “Elsewhere,” Understands the word “Groovy.”

Funny Aquarius Readings
Strong, Methodical, Able to reach own back for patting, Resilient, Dogmatic, Wet Blankets,Schedules outward excitement for special occasions only, Experiences midnight money cravings, Confining, Barely Registers a Pulse, A Real Life of the Party, Painstakingly persistent.
Slow and steady, steady and slow, that's the way a Taurus goes, easily intoxicated by sudden movement, Relishes in routine, Stoic, Tenacious, Willing to watch paint dry if told its part of job description, Still suffering separation anxiety from detachment of baby blanky, Fine dining induces out-of-body experiences
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Funny Astrology Readings

Free Spiritual Guidance
by Jordan Canon, Spiritual Advisor
Cancer

Oh please, my crustaceous, yet bodacious, Crab!  Read a novel!  Romance went out with fuzzy dice and Clackers. Being the emotional vampires of the zodiac, Cancers are known for slowly smothering every speck of free space and independent thought from their victims.

Achieving zombification by using methods of mental manipulation, they eventually fulfill their lifelong desire, that all encompassing love. Needing a sense of security more than a sense of self, dramatic upset is always simmering beneath the surface. 

Genetically linked to “Volcanatic Eruptus,” grand displays of hell-fire are sure to be ignited by the slightest spark. Consistently, walking that bed of hot coals in a relationship is not for the faint of heart. My precious, paranoid, little Crab - you create the very thing you fear... abandonment! Let me throw you a thought... if you’re sucking the life giving force out of me, I’m breaking away fast! Did you catch that, friend? Even a brain-drained zombie needs air.

Moon morphing is a talent mastered only by Crabs and quite spectacular to see! Having the ability to sync with cycles of the moon, they become susceptible to monumental mood swings, transforming them into unrecognizable matter. Only those living in close proximity are lucky enough to witness this phenomenon firsthand!

Likening it to opening a white elephant gift, you never really know what you're going to get.  Will it whimper and whine, giggle and blush, scream and yell, or cry and retreat in silence for days on end? One thing for sure, the moody mooners are sure to put on quite a show, holding hands with drama like toddlers going through their terrible two's.  The difference being... toddlers grow up!

For the wounded souls, those with lost identities, and the aimless wandering type who are forever “finding themselves,” a nurturing Cancer will lavishly and lovingly lick your wounds and coddle you senseless!  However, a word of warning, once you check in, you can never check out!

Aries

Ah yes, Aries!  The noble, the gallant, the warriors!  The first sign of the zodiac; the race horse that’s antsy to charge from the gate!  And charge they must! When you hear the bugles sound, jump out of the way and look around.  You’ll be sure to see an Aries at full speed.  However, respectfully hide your eyes when they turn around and find they’re the only ones running the race. 

Spare them the embarrassing humiliation when they realize everyone else is still back at the gate wondering why they shot off in such a hurry.  Always operating at high speed, with a very short attention span, an Aries is sure to have a plethora of projects started and a dozen more on the horizon but usually falls short on the completion end.  How could they possibly waste such precious time on the finish with so many more great ideas just waiting for their expertise to launch? 

Try not to be too upset with this innocent charging Ram; they can’t help themselves anymore than a peddler can’t help trusting a charlatan.  It’s thanks to Aries that ADHD finally has a name!  More than likely, it was an Aries that instigated and organized the great American high school walk-out of ‘79’, demanding pizza and vending machines in every cafeteria.  The national school board felt they had no other option but to concede and prevent the possibility of rioting.  

So, next time you see an Aries, shake their hand.  If you’re privileged enough to share breathing space with an Aries, you’ll find they have a healthy appetite for dominance and enjoy snacking on bossiness.  But more than anything else, they are generous enough to share it with the ones they love. If you want to make and keep your Aries happy, simply allow them to believe every great idea ever thought of was theirs and that the world would cease to exist without them in it.  Psssssttt…don’t worry, we can humor them, can’t we? They fly by the nick name “The Pants Charmers” because of their uncanny ability to charm the pants off of just about anybody. Subtlety is their forte and before you know it, BAM, you’ve been pantsed! I mean charmed.

Aries are indeed special. If you don’t believe it, just ask them!  They love adventure and the thrill of the chase. If you haven’t yet won over your rambunctious Ram, well, you know what they say…keep running and running and running away until you finally have them caught!

Libra

To catch the attention of a Libra, woo them with praise, remove all mirrors, dress to the nines, smell delicious, and make sure not a hair’s out of place. They accept nothing less. 

Fat chance you’ll ever snag one of these grand prizes.  High maintenance would be an understatement when describing these aesthetic pleasers. 

Primping, pressing, and posing until they’re satisfied with the vision of perfection looking back at them in the mirror.

Fashion conscious to the hilt, they’re sure to turn every head. They’ll sink their hard earned money into gym memberships, age defying products, and jaw dropping attire. 

It’s said that Libra is the sign of partnerships.  However, we’ve yet to see the data on this supposed fact. Independent companionships are where Libras feel most comfortable, claiming this as normal human behavior and pointing a finger at you as if you’re the odd one for thinking otherwise.

Who knows…maybe you enjoy wearing blame proudly? One might agree that their genetic coding is riddled with partnership possibilities but it’s a tad bit disheartening to any potential suitor when they discover their arms-length lover has their own version of the word “partnership.” 

As for marriage, rest assured that your languishing Libra has buried it nice and deep next to their late Uncle Ned. Libras are always searching for their perfect other half to complete their whole, yet, never feeling whole

when they’ve found their other half.  This twisted little trait explains why the scales, that so perfectly represent them, are always empty on both sides.  With nothing to weigh, they have nothing to decide and this makes them very, very, happy. 

But here’s a little misconception addressed to those Libra loving hopefuls who keep coming back for their dose of elusive promises.

Indecisiveness is another word for “dodge,” as in anything to do with you.  Knock, knock, my wishful friend.  I hate to burst your fantasy bubble but your Libra love is perfectly capable of making decisions.  Sadly, they’re just not capable of telling you! 
Aquarius

Don’t waste your time and energy trying to figure out an Aquarian. They defy all logic and reason.  They’re not from our world and on the rare occasion they do decide to visit the rest of us here, their minds are still stuck somewhere we’ve never been, nor really care to go. You’ll never understand them and they’ll never understand you.  Try not to lose too much sleep over this tiny, insignificant, fact because no one else will. 

Aquarians are kind to everyone, cheerfully ignoring anything you have to say.  Blatantly insult them and they’ll ignorantly smile right back as if your cutting remarks were transparent.  You can always pick out an Aquarian in a crowd. They're the ones dressed a bit off, the one's trying out a new dance move they just invented, and the ones who could care less if you like it or not. You are irrelevant and simply take up space.

If an Aquarian is showing brief interest in you, it's only because you're stranger than they are.  As soon as they have siphoned and dissected every morsel of your brain, they'll flip you off like a light switch and walk away. Chin up, my friend!  Save your humiliation for another day or another sign.  An aqua-air person is incapable of recognizing your emotional pain. Some even speculate if they're capable of any human emotion at all!  When it comes to companionship give up now because they have no heart. 

"Commitment" is synonymous with "prison" and the majority would rather welcome a hardy drilling of their teeth, void of anesthesia, than commit to anyone or anything.  Set your sights on an easier target, which would pretty much be anyone else, and stop wasting your time on this alienistic specie who barely speaks your language. They’ve already forgotten you by now, anyway.  Wipe your tears and move on!

Capricorn

Can you say boring? Get a life Capricorn!  The rest of the world seems to be able to figure it out. Plodding along methodically, Cappies remain ever focused on their goals, gradually and persistently reaching the top. Finding little air to breathe at such altitudes, they suffer the effects by refusing to lower themselves to where real life flourishes, leaving their heads swooning in lofty aspirations.

These high climbing goats adore looking down from their mountain of mass achievements and send loving waves to all their old friends below.  The problem is that the naked eyes of their feebled friends are unable to view the well wishing gestures from such heights, leaving the gandering goat gloating when left with no reciprocated response.

Out of sight, out of mind is an ever present reality most Capricorns fear. Eventually, extreme loneliness calls their retreat and they reluctantly inch their way back down to the land of lowlies to feast on praise.  Thank you, oh great ones, for allowing us the pleasure of basking in your light. Trapping themselves in their own little game of "validate my worth," they continue presenting a facade to a world that has more things to worry about than paying them homage. 

It’s a well known fact that Cappies finally begin to "chill out" when they reach their 50’s.  So what!  The small number of friends they did have left them long ago.  When it comes to companionship, rest assured, this creature of habit can do routine like no one else! 

Who needs spontaneity, with its dreaded element of surprise, when you can have someone who will be the same today, tomorrow, the next day and the next day and the next day and the next... Need I say more?  If you’re seeking excitement, warmth, charisma, and a heartbeat, run far and fast!  That bus has left this station!


Taurus

The Ancient Scandinavians believed the Holiest Cow "Auðumbla" was the one that suckled the Gods.  Today, we know all that suckling paid off.  Heavenly gifts seem to pour down upon the serendipitous Taurus Bull.  Almost from infancy, they seem bestowed with musical abilities, a dusting of magic Foo Foo powder, and a luxurious sense of pleasure.  Their motto is, "If it feels good, tastes good, looks good, sounds good, and smells good, jump in head first and rub it all over!"

Tenaciously following that unwavering path of materialism, they achieve a catatonic state of euphoria when smothering themselves
with an over accumulation of glorious riches. Possessions happily anchor them to earth in which they strongly resonate.

Is it any wonder you only have a tiny circle of friends, my titillating, tepid-type, Taurus? The socially superficial cling to them like a static sock to a pant leg and can sniff out their chi-chingy thingies a pasture away. However, the Bull is seldom threatened by their entourage of fellow followers for they know their goods are securely stashed.

Never try tempting your Taurus with a surprise rendezvous, bags fully packed, and a note that reads, "Our plane leaves in an hour!" Having an absolute order to all things that only they understand, this sudden move will most assuredly throw their axis off kilter and turn your placid Bull into Puff the magical fire breathing dragon.  It's a rare-flare event indeed for these mild mannered mammals but a bit unsettling for those accustomed to their usual docile nature.

Headstrong to a fault, don't expect a Bull to ever admit a wrong.  They brazenly refuse to budge and will adamantly stand their 'knowingly wrong' ground until the entire herd comes home.  No amount of pleading or prodding will break down their stubborn stance. If a long term relationship is what you seek, start investing now in shares of Grey Goose and Canadian Club because this obnoxious little trait is sure to drive you to drink.

If you happen upon a tantalizing Taurus looking very busy doing nothing but grazing, they probably are.  Here's a simple sanity reminder for all you Taurean suitors…pour another cocktail and peacefully let them be.

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